Life

Me and The UPS Guy Part 2: Shelley’s Revenge

As summer faded into fall, I saw my UPS delivery man less and less. There were new delivery people that stopped by and I saw him a little less. The roaring fire that was my need for revenge had cooled just a tad but to such an extent that the flame could not be reignited and it would be soon enough.

On a particularly busy morning, I was fielding calls left and right. One of those days where ever one of the shoes you have in the air drops simultaneously and you’re left running around trying desperately to pick them all up. That was how my morning was going. I had just gotten off one call when my daughter’s school called. Bryleigh wasn’t feeling well and she was in the nurses office. The school nurse, who is wonderful, assured me that she was fine and just had a tummy ache and needed some reassurance from mom. The nurse then proceeds to put my daughter on the phone and as I’m trying to talk to her, up walks “Fred”.

I had my back to him and instead of knocking on my cube wall, which would have been the polite thing to do. He walks up behind me, reaches around me and shoves the signature pad in my face. My first thought was, “really dude”! I held my finger up motioning for him to wait for a minute and it was then that he started pacing and kicking the wall of the office behind me like an exasperated toddler.

I got off the phone with my daughter and took his stupid little pad and signed it with a big F and U before he walked off. It was then I solicited the help of my coworker.

Me: I need you to do me a favor.

Coworker: What’s that?

Me: I want you to find out the UPS guy’s name for me.

Coworker: Why?

Me: Because I’m Rumpelstiltskin that’s why, just do it.

I’m sure my coworker thought I was going to call UPS and report him but that would be too easy and frankly not my style, I’m not a tattle tale. Like Rumple on Once Upon A Time, knowing a name is important and a useful piece of information to have tucked away for a later date.

About two weeks later, my coworker came to me with the little piece of information I so coveted, his name! See, my ever observant self has spied the UPS guy delivering to other buildings and just walking around the neighborhood where I work. On those occasions, I frequently saw him chatting up various “lady friends”. It wasn’t too long after I learned UPS guy’s name that I would see him on the street chatting up one of these friends. He was in full on pimp mode when I saw him, that’s when I yelled out his name as loud as I could. I summoned my inner ghetto princess and yelled out, “Leroy, LEEEERooooYYYYYY! Where you been baby?!”

I was loud, I was shrilly and I was most definitely ghetto as all hell. It was glorious. Everyone in a ten mile radius of the Capitol Hill area turned around to see who the hell Leroy was including his lady friend who eyed me up and down before walking away. I was honestly surprised that Secret Service didn’t approach me, I was THAT loud.

I was stone cold serious on the outside but laughing hysterically on the inside when I walked up to him and with a straight face (I still don’t know how I managed it) said, “thanks for delivering those Staples boxes for me, I appreciated that”, before walking away.

If looks could kill, this post could not have been written.

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