I have recently returned to the “full time”, “must be in the office”, work force. In my younger days, I was a career woman. Hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder, having the corner office and putting my feet up “Working Girl” style while listening to Carly Simon sing Let The River Run in the back ground (yeah, I watched that movie too many times).
Then, I had kids. It seemed like a good decision at the time for me to graciously bow out of the corporate world and stay at home to take care of the little angels I had just birthed. Now before this gets into a work at home mom/stay at home mom debate, I’m just letting you know, I don’t care AND I’m not making any judgment about YOUR choice (or anyone’s for that matter). I really don’t care what you do in your house. I reside firmly in the camp of “Not my kid, not my problem”. All that said, let’s move on.
Now that I’ve returned to the workforce, older and hopefully wiser, I’ve noticed some things about people that I never noticed before and it humors me, so I thought I would share.
I know we all like to think we’re original. In some ways we are, we all have a somewhat unique view of the world but not so unique that someone somewhere hasn’t had that same exact thought at some point in their life. In every office at every building in the world, I guarantee you’ve run into at least one of these people listed below and if you’ve had my luck/misfortune you’ve run into all ten.
1. ‘lil Miss Pass The Buck
I’ve had the “fortune” of running into this person in almost every position I’ve had. Male or Female this is the individual who does more work trying to get out of doing work. This person will send you five emails about sending an email to someone else, that they could have just sent themselves. My favorite thing that they do is try to Okey Doke you. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of the “Okey Doke”, it’s when Person A has been tasked to do something but they don’t want to do it. They, in turn, come up with many reasons why Person B (you) should do it. All in the hopes that you will take the bait and “volunteer” to do their job, hence the “okey doke” because you just got okey doked into doing their job.
2. The Lunch Thief
I worked at a law firm many years ago and I won’t name the firm other than to say it was really large. I swear every time I brought lunch in, it was stolen. Here I was a lowly Legal Admin, these attorneys were making six figures to my paltry tuppence and they had the nerve to steal my food. Really??? The last straw was when someone took my sandwich out of the Tupperware container took a bite out of it, put it back and then stole my container. I guess that was my penance for making such a shitty sandwich. Next time, I’ll remember YOU don’t like onions in MY egg salad sandwich.
3. Potty Talkers
One of my pet peeves is when you’re trying to take a dump and someone comes into the bathroom, recognizes your shoes and starts talking to you. It’s even worse when it’s your manager because you feel like you have to answer, even if it’s mid grunt. So the conversation goes sort of like this:
Manager: Michelle, I wanted to know if that Presentation will be done today for my review. (You hear this and the sound of her violently peeing in the background so loud it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock).
Me: (Silent grunt) Yep. (Silent grunt) I’m on it.
It’s best to talk in short sentences in these situations, lest you accidentally let a fart slip and really embarrass yourself.
4. Mr. I Like To Stink It Up
There’s always one person in the office who manages to ALWAYS bring in the absolute most smelliest food they can find. I realize everyone’s palate is different and everyone sense of smell is different. One man’s Limburger cheese is another man’s Brie. Can we just come to a consensus on three things? Curry freaking reeks, Fish freaking reeks and burnt popcorn freaking reeks. I’m not saying those foods are nasty, (I quite enjoy them) I’m just saying they stink. This brings me to the subset of number four, The Popcorn Burner. You know who you are you dirty bastard. Every damn day you burn the popcorn. Every. Damn. Day! You would think by now you would know it only takes a minute forty-five in that microwave. You know this, Man! Stop burning the damn popcorn.
5. The Lunch Enthusiast.
I’m going to be honest, this person is usually me. I’m the one that’s talking about lunch at 10:30am knowing full well, I’m not going until 1pm. I want to know what you brought for lunch or where you plan on going. If I haven’t been there before, fully expect me to invite myself along whether you want me to or not. Lunch is the second most important meal of the day.
6. The Gossip
I love this person, they are the reason I get up and come into work every morning. They have the D.L. on everyone in the office and freely offer it up. The only thing you have to remember with the office gossip is don’t offer up any personal info about yourself or you’ll be the one in the next story.
7. The Optimist
It’s Monday morning; do you know where your office optimist is? She’s at the coffee machine happily chatting away about how wonderful life is while your baggy eyed self is still praying for that extra day off that never came and blearily pouring a cup of coffee. She’s just happy, praising Jesus and spreading the Word and I’m wishing she’d just shut the Hell up and move aside. You’ve had those Mondays, come on, be honest.
8. The Pessimist
These are the people that start the office rumors. Every time there’s a conference call, people are getting fired. They feed off your fear like Dementors. They are only slightly less annoying than the Optimist and usually found in the company of The Gossip.
9. The Jerk
This is the condescending little ass hat you have to work with, it never fails. He/She walks around the office like they’re God’s gift to everything and when they do deem you worthy of conversation, you should be grateful. You’re a serf in their little Fiefdom and if you didn’t know it, you do now. They’re not your friend, although they’ll pretend to be, to get what they want. These are also the people that are always really nice to you the week before their kid starts a school fundraiser but then poof when it’s time to quid pro quo that shit. That’s why I made a sign and put it on my cube that says, “If you’re not willing to buy, don’t ask me to.” Oddly enough, I stopped getting fund raiser requests.
10. The Know It All
I Love the Know It All only because I consider it my duty to prove them wrong. You can recognize the Know It All in the room because everyone else just lets them have their way on any project regardless of how dumb their idea is because that’s how its always been. Then I come along and totally throw a monkey wrench into that game. A Know It All will hold firmly to their beliefs no matter how much evidence you present, in their mind they are never wrong but as far as the office is concerned they just got served! BAM!
Who do you have in your office?