divorce · Life · life lessons · Marriage

Finding Love, Again.

Can this relationship be saved? It’s a question that every couple asks at one time or another during times of strife. The answer coming from a logical place of contemplation and pro/con lists made, burned and remade. Love is never so easily found but once you recognize its face, it’s easy to hold again.

What we call the beginning, is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning, the end is where we start from. – T.S. Eliot

The beginnings of love are easy. I consider myself to be an expert at cultivating the seed of love. It has always flourished under my tender care. The late night conversations, texts and emails all sent when love is new and beautiful remind us how things could be, should be when the shit hits the fan. I always loved going back and rereading old emails saved, they reminded me of what really mattered. Somehow, in the course of life, I stopped reading, I stopped remembering. The ties that were so tightly bound became loose and eventually fell apart.

I found myself separated, alone and devoid of all human emotion. I thought in terms of minute to minute. How do I feel right now? What do I need to accomplish? When was the last time the kids ate? I ate? These questions and mundane tasks kept me busy through the day until bedtime. It was then the larger questions flowed through my mind. Was it all my fault? Will I ever find love again? Do I deserve to find love again? Does He still care?

Grief finds strange bedfellows in the friends I never knew I had, my children. They gave me the extra hugs at night I never knew I needed. At the time, I thought it was just their way of trying to prolong their time awake, now I see the wisdom behind their so few years. They were rebuilding me, one giggle, one hug at a time. I dared to hope, even if it was only a fool’s hope that love is powerful enough to find a way, even in the darkness,

Would it be possible to find love again? Sometimes a separation can be the best thing for a relationship. It’s a time to pause, to take stock of your emotions and to see the other side without feeling like you’re on the defensive. People often appreciate what they have when they are faced with the prospect of living a life without it. 

This exploration and soul searching does not come without a price. The price is my pride. Admitting to myself that all is not right with me, instead of laying the blame elsewhere requires a level of personal growth I wasn’t capable of a few years ago. My pride would never have let me admit to being wrong. Being right doesn’t matter when you’re all alone. Vindication becomes the blanket that never quite keeps you warm enough at night. 

Trying again is hard work. There’s pain involved but there can also be joy. Joy in discovering yourself again or perhaps for the first time. Finally discovering your significant other a way you never knew before. The only way to find love again is to lay your armor down, strip yourself bare and put it all out there. You’ll be vulnerable and you might have your heart broken again but at least you’re alive.

We shall not cease from exploration. And at the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. – T.S. Eliot


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