mix tape · Music · twisted mixtape

This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore

It’s Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday! I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about life. How did I get from there to here and all that stuff. The stuff you think about when major life changes occur. What better way to celebrate that reflection than a mix tape, the soundtrack of my life in eight songs because I just couldn’t narrow them down. 

Life is all the stuff that happens between loving and losing for me. The mundane everyday things that are forgotten with passage of time to the life altering experiences that are almost cathartic. The last of those experiences happened to me last April when I saw Sir Elton John for the first time in concert. My mother, when she was alive, saw him in concert twice to my recollection. Both times I was either sick or sick and couldn’t go. After years of missing tour dates because I couldn’t afford it or it was too far away, finally the stars aligned. He would be one state away and we could afford it.

Sitting there in the audience waiting for him to take the stage was almost surreal. I thought I was dreaming or that I wasn’t really there. Then he came out on the stage and sat down to play The Bitch is Back, and I cried. I balled like a baby because I couldn’t believe I was there. It was like having a small piece of my mother back again and for that moment, she was there with me.

Elton John’s music has always been there to comfort me and give words to my feelings. His songs, the blanket that keeps me warm at night. If my life ever had a soundtrack, Elton John would do the music for it.

Daniel always reminds of my first love. The one you have when you’re young and never quite give up the ghost. I used to tease him that his name song was by Elton John and that mine was by the Beatles. It was an inside joke, he wasn’t really a fan of Sir Elton.  Every time I hear this song I’m reminded of him and how your think you first love knew you better than anyone will ever know you. Then you grow up and realize that isn’t really true. It was my first heartbreak and it wouldn’t be my last or my worst.

When I young and full of romantic notions, I had always wished that someone would dedicate Your Song to me, eventually someone did. The notion that someone out there believes that their life is better because you’re in the world is the most romantic thing anyone can every say to another person. Whenever I hear this song I think of him.

I always had some home issues. I never felt like I fit in, I wasn’t loved enough, the list goes on and on. I just wanted to leave and I did. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road always reminded me about home and gave me that push to leave and stay gone when I was unsure.

The first time I ever had a heartbreak, my mother said, “that’s why they call it the blues”. Every time I hear this song I reminded of that. It’s one of those songs that comes through the radio and puts it’s hand on your shoulder to comfort you when you are down. On those days when you are filled with love, you drive down the road belting out, “I simply love you more than I love life itself.” It raises you to higher level when you are happy and comforts you when you are in the depths of despair, reminding you that this too will pass. Whenever I had my heart broken, this song was there.

Some people would say that knowing someone close to you is going to die is easier to deal with then a sudden passing. I call bullshit on that. Watching someone you love and care about day by day waste away, knowing what is to come is a hell that no one should ever have to live. That’s what Cancer does to people. That’s what Cancer did to me. You watch your loved one go from hopeful to hopeless in the span of a year. Eventually, you realize your mom is going to die and what happens after they are gone? How do you help them die well? Whenever I hear the Last Song I’m reminded of a time when I sat by, I watched the light slowly fade away and I was helpless.

Whenever I think of my children, I think of the song Blessed, especially when it comes to my daughter. The song conveys all the dreams you have for child before you even meet them. The idealism of parenthood and how everything seems simpler and easier when you dream it.

A little bit of back story about this video. This was shot back in the days when Robert Downey Jr was seen as unemployable by Hollywood. He was trying to make a come back and he eventually did come back stronger than ever, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. This video and this song was perfect for him. It reminds me even in my current situation that we all deserve and desire to be loved and that nothing is wrong with that. That even in the same breath that our heart can yell out how through we are with love we can still crave it and be its slave.

Justin Timberlake does a wonderful job in this video of portraying the emotion behind the song. It’s hard to live a life putting on a “show” for those around you to keep up appearances when inside you feel like you’re dying. I don’t believe in miracles anymore, I don’t believe in a lot of things anymore and this song is representative of how I feel my life is going forward.

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7 thoughts on “This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore

  1. I love Elton John so this list is absolutely awesome! There is a message in so many of his songs and beyond that he is just one of the most talented people on the planet. I just posted my mix and Blessed was on mine – dedicated to my children – too. Great minds, eh?


  2. So from the heart and so honest. Thank you not only for sharing these beautiful song selections from one of my favorites but your story — beautifully written! I had not heard the duet with Mary J. Blige — goose bumps!


  3. Wow. And Wow. I wish I was inside your head and all your stuff wasn’t so cryptic. Write a memoir already and I’ll be right there in line to buy it!
    I watched my dad die of cancer and I completely agree with you. Nothing worse, I think I could get over the sudden shock of a quick death so much better than watching someone suffer and know they were going to die.
    Amen sister.
    Also, love that you did this with Elton John. I did a whole thing about him once. Well about Bernie Taupin’s amazing song writing. This was perfect.


    1. I’m cryptic cause I have to be in most cases not to give too much away because I’m not an anonymous blogger. One day I might start writing a memoir. It might be the cathartic experience I need.


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