I never really thought about the loss of it. I never thought I would have to. Then as easily as it slipped on, it was off again.
Life doesn’t always work out the way you think it will. In the beginning, I never thought I would be where I am today. Things always start off so simply. A stolen glance. A long kiss goodbye means one thing in the beginning and another at the end of things. People think that they’ll always get one more chance, one more time to turn it all around. In truth, the only people that offer limitless chances are our parents because they know deep down who you are. The people we chose to love only see the facade that years of heartache and pain have produced.
Who can blame them? I certainly can’t, you can only go on so long holding steadfast to something that you believe so strongly in before your hopes get dashed by reality. The truth is a cruel woman who delights in the displeasure of others. That’s why the truth hurts and is so often masked by pretty lies.
Life is different now, not better or worse just different. I find myself happy about some things but unable to feel it. For as much as I’m looking forward to finding and starting a job, living closer to family and friends, its not as enjoyable as it would be if you were here. Being without the person you love above all others is tough. It forces you to encase your heart in ice so it doesn’t feel the sadness. You do this to make it through the day, to create a new normal. To keep the children happy and make it easier for those around you who don’t know how to help.
It’s not better, it’s not worse, it’s just the status quo.
My hand feels lighter now, like something is missing and it can’t quite figure out what it is. I go through the motions of touching what’s no longer there. A nervous habit I didn’t even recognize I had until now. When the compulsion to rotate it goes unfulfilled, I’m left with the reminder of what is no longer. Something so simple that I never gave it a second thought. Its presence taken for granted to the point that it took the lack of it for me to really feel the weight of its disappearance.
A simple circle. It has no beginning and no end. It is infinite, like love should be but almost never is.