Family · kids · Parenting

Kids Suck

Having kids changes your life in many ways. I would never have realized how much until I was truly in the trenches parenting. You turn from someone who showered twice a day to a person who hasn’t taken an uninterrupted poop in five years. So, a la David Letterman. I’ve compiled a top ten list of the ways parenting changes you.

10.  Bodily fluids are no longer found to be disgusting. They are measured, cataloged and sometimes wiped with bare hands at a moment’s notice. Before kids, you would have never picked another human beings nose with your own finger, now it’s an everyday occurrence.

9. You lose all grasp of the English language. You now talk in “baby speak”. Every word has an “S” or a “Y” added to it. Examples are: waters, blankey, poopy, pee pees, kisseys, huggies, snacky, treaty and snugglypoos.
8.  Weight training has been replaced by potty training.
7. When you go to Pier 1 and spy something you like your first thoughts are not where you would put it in the house but all the many ways it could get broken after you bring it home.
6. Your morning routine consists of diaper changes, teeth brushing, Cheerios, arguments, tears and Dora when it used to consist of a cup of Starbucks and the morning traffic report. Life was so simple then.
5. Nap time is the new Happy Hour.
4.  Lunch used to be a tasty treat bought from the neighborhood Deli or last night’s leftovers now it’s what’s left after the kids say they don’t want it.
3.  Sleeping in meant getting out of bed sometime around noon now you get excited if the house is still quiet at 7AM.
2. A good day was measured in not missing the Metro, getting a raise or bonus at work and catching an awesome sale at Macy’s. Now, a good day means no one cried, everyone napped and no one had diarrhea.
1. There was a time when you and your spouse made love and you would get up singing your favorite song, now you’re singing the song from Bubble Guppies.
This post is dedicated to all my fellow parents out there who are covered in Cheerios and mushed apricots right now. Wondering to themselves, oh why God must it be this hard. Well, this too shall pass. One day they’ll be 20 something and living their own lives and you’ll wish you had these days back. While you may want to call bullshit on that right now, we all know deep down it’s true. One day when we are old and gray, we’ll wish our house sounded like a dance club at 7am instead of the stillness they leave behind when they are gone.
 
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