I consider myself to be generally content with my life. There’s a roof over my head. The kids are all healthy. I’m pretty much still breathing and the Hubby is doing well. We have enough to live on and pay the bills. Then why am I so blah?
Before you say it, it’s not depression. I know what depression is and I’ve had enough people die in my life to recognize it and know what to do about it. It’s more of a malaise or my favorite word ennui.
For those of us who missed that word on our high school Freshman English exam, as I did. Ennui by definition means, a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. That’s what I’m feeling right now or have felt in the course of being a stay at home parent and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.
It’s not that my life is boring but in a way it is. In my working days long before children came along. I had things to do, I had deadlines and meetings, places to go and people to see. I wouldn’t say I had a career, it was a job and it kept me busy and paid the bills. I guess the problem is, I don’t feel like I do anything worthwhile.
I can hear the peanut gallery now, raising kids is worthwhile. Yes, I agree. It is a worthwhile occupation. The majority of the children are happy and well raised. Other than occasionally suffering from parenting burnout, I have no complaints there. They are all healthy and well cared for and are always doing some activity with us.
It’s also not that I’m not appreciated. My husband appreciates everything I do. I deal with things so he doesn’t have to. I take care of everything from laundry to child rearing so he can concentrate on work. On providing. It’s a fair deal. Yet I still feel like I don’t do a thing but if I listed everything I do in one day it would take up a whole page both sides. Do any other SAHPs feel similar? Maybe that’s why we all blog or go PTA insane? All I know is something is missing and I want to find it.